“Don’t you know you’re being abused?”

That question was asked to me four years ago, and it still lingers in my mind. At the time, my answer was a very loud and honest “No.”

Why hadn’t I seen the signs? The red flags?

That one question sent me spiraling into my own head, questioning everything I thought I knew about my relationship—and myself. I had never been hit. No bruises. No broken bones. No hospital visits. No made-up stories to hide the truth.

But here’s the thing: psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse can leave scars that no one can see—and sometimes those wounds run deeper than any physical injury.

Realizing I was being abused wasn’t a single moment of clarity. It was a slow, painful awakening.

Second-guessing myself.

Rationalizing his behavior.

Making excuses for him.

Believing things would get better if I just tried harder.


It was an endless loop of confusion.

Now, four years later, the fog has finally lifted. It wasn’t quick, it wasn’t easy, and it was never “fun.” But the healing was necessary—and it saved me.

For those who have never experienced this kind of relationship, it’s easy to ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?”

Here’s why:
If you drop a frog into boiling water, it will jump out immediately. But if you place that frog in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it will stay until it’s too late.

Abuse works the same way. It starts subtly. The person isn’t cruel from day one—they ease into it, slowly turning up the heat until you don’t recognize the danger you’re in. By the time you do, your sense of reality has been twisted, your self-worth chipped away, and your mind trained to adapt to the pain.

On average, a survivor will leave an abuser seven times before it sticks.

So, if you know someone in an abusive relationship—be patient. Be kind. Don’t shame them for not leaving sooner. Just listen. Support them. Believe them.

They will see it—when their mind is ready, not when you think they should.

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